I'm worried. I dont wanna get stuck in transition. I'm in between past and present. I dont wanna go back to the past yet the present doesnt seem to be working out for me. I dont want to just spend the rest of my sec3 life looking stupid and being a clown again. I wanna be a social, i wanna be close to ppl. I want more basketball.LOL. the basketball part a bit out of the topic. Life is so boring, I go hm and play on my stupid psp for hrs hoping to go out with my frens but in the end. no one want go out. sian. tmr night i would probably go for a long jog to do more self reflection. I have to grow up abit more but yet i dont wanna be so mature for its going to be so emo and all. I past the stage of a clown but yet I dont wanna act matured yet. its just not very fun to be mature. and my studies....its not doing tt well. I wanna buck up but i hate studying. I want to enjoy slacking off during my wkends.

clearing up the mess....
I have no fallen for anyone. You can choose to feel so but tts only how you feel. I just wanna be a social. I wanna have my freedom unlike being cooped up at hm like a pet. I wanna enjoy the rest of sec3 b4 moving on the sec 4 and chionging than. I want to have a close buddy to rely on all the time. which cannot be found anywhere.

I wanna understan whats its like to love and to be love. not exactly being feeling it or experiencing it but to understand it. I dont wanna take it for granted and i dont wanna make the same mistakes again. probably none of you readers know what I'm meanign now. its just a complicated section of my brain, lost in time.

Month of july

Hmm...its almost the end of the month. I've been summing up july tdy. It has been the month tt I've broken the sadness. I managed to make more frens and go outmore often. its also more happier and june has been left behind. loking forward towards my august.yay!

Tdy i aftersch go play bball, dan chatted with ouyang and sp abt the blogger thingy. They so dont know me. and we talk abt the blogger glicth and alot crap abt other ppl. Idk why i feel like this whole wk my life feels so wasted. I'm having lots of fun and all but i just feel idk lah. tdy m'sian buddy nvr msg me. sian. nvr go out since fri lo....=(.she like mia liao. Nvm, if everything goes well fri i shall go out with ghaf.yea....+ i wanna take my style to a next lvl. woot! where's my pk partner, everytime i play basketball got no one to do combo wit me and they read my eye connection slower. but sp and oy and xy still ok lah. I stare at them they know wad i wanna do liao. bl still abit slow. wait.......he dont even know how to read eye connection.lol. he stand below the rim wait for ball to hit his head.lol=)

Yea...hyper again. Tdy got no badminton so not as happy as i would be. I hate fakers and actors, no recognition neeeded. I dont really like school as well as last week so i shall turn to my malaysian buddy for help. smmore tdy when siva talked abt malaysia or smthing we looked at ea other and laughed. lol. what a sense of belonging.=) no time to blog tdy. byes.......

ppl have feelings.You dont just walk in and out of my life like its some entertainment centre. 1st you want out, and now tt i withdraw, you want in back. crazy.....
I hate being treated this way, i have a life. its not meant to be barged in like tt.btw, havent got over it yet just tt its almost over. yea....=). but i hate this fking attitude i getting. just because you want to be friends doesnt mean the other pt would accept it so soon. fed up! DONT HAVE TO READ THIS, ITS TO VENT OUT MY ANGER....abit of mood swing.

Idk why but i feel so irritated and disgusted......its so different already. Not the same. makes me just sooo irritated,nobody sees the other side of it. purely irritated with blankblankblankblankblank. hate to say this but its not what I want. where is my dreamer????

I hate liars

I like my life. No, i love my life. I get to spend time with ppl who are there for me whenever i need them. call them out, they will come... so good. they dont lie to me, they dont give me fake tales abt being out and all. and best of all is they can msg me through the night. until my hp no more money....=(. lol
but still, i find myself escaping the past. I dont want to go back and live a miserable life. I made myself cry and look like a mental patient tt 19 of april. looking back at it, i should've just forget it and move one to other ppl waiting on me. Even though smtimes its real lonely without love. at least there's friendship for me to count on. I want to be friends with eveyone. yay!!!

yay.BB

i feel so good to come back to bb after 4weeks. get to see al my frens and yea...its good!
I feel good!

I got my smile back!!!

I not here to negotiate or anything. i just want to make things clear. My friends are not a bad influence and its not cos of them tt I'm doing less work.I'm just being me. In fact, I'm doing more than what i did b4. ever since mdm vani punished me, I have been putting in effort to do my amaths and emaths hmwk. and bdoing less work?. I'm not changing, I'm just being more happy, more noisy, more like how the actual clement was all along. I know i have been not as close to ran as b4 i am still with ghaf.


as for randolph, I hope you're reading this... I lost smmore close to me already. I cant afford to lose you. Rmb our deal, not bestfriends to sec4, best friends forever....... Its not tt i dont want hang out with you anymore but almost everytime in school you with zac, zw and acap. so I dont get to talk much to you. and you know very well tt zachary hates me mah. I dont want to limit him from you tts why I hang out with them instead. rmb tt time when i come along dan he decided not to eat. and said wad he dont like to go out with bullies...and its like now you seem to dislike wad i do or how i live my life. I hope we can go jogging again like we did last year to sort out this problem happening between us. I hope this minor setback wont break our longtime standing frenship.

lastly, I know you talk to him alot aftersch tdy but i dont feel jealous or angry. I'm starting to get over it already after being down in dumps for so long.do anything you want lah. It doesnt concern me much, i dont belong to you, you dont belong to me. at least i have ppl to rely on who dont stop me frm msging to save money. who can go out with me when i nid them there. who mean what they say and dont go around lying to me. I feel so contented with my life right now.......

late post. Ytd was a fantastic day. I enjoyed myself veryveryvery much! tdy...not so much.
ytd afternoon bball was the best. it was all fused into 1. yea!!! the finger rolls where all entering.dan at night oso fun lah, reach hm late.

tdy got ilham to keep me company the whole day. lol. awaiting my tmr.



I'm worried abt smthing...Idk whether its gd or its bad but its difinitely not nice.

Went out jogging with 'lisa tdy'.lol. she wake up late somemore. Very fun tdy. met at mrt at 9.30. dan we went jogging at the aces day route. but she keep on talking. but still ok lah, she quite power,can jo all the way to the end sial. its was good. dan from thm we keep walking and talking abt ea other (BINLI INCLUDED) lol. at first,she nvr admit when i ask her abt him. she kept changing the subj to smthing else i didnt like.
dan ltr i stole her hp and read. SO COOL MAN, binli send her" I will reallyreally .... you" lol. I found out the truth. dan we went sp for breakfast( coulnt find seats, in the end bought mr bean) and she wanted to play basketball all a sudden. so we call xy and binghua, dan out from no where binli oso come.lol, cos of her looooo!when we walking she kept talking abt the subject again. and she asked me what i liked abt ..... my answer: her character (but it changed already) dan she asked me alotalot questions lah. so had to explain alot. at the basketbal court, w keep di siao binli. somemmore he wanted to folo us jogging, when did binli jog 1? lol. so obvious he like her. after tt we went hm i keep disturbing her dan she got pissed off at me again. but when reach hm back to normal liao, dan she keep telling me abt the subject tt i dont want to talk abt. but have to thank her, she can relate to me. + she keep saying want us to get back tgt. but my interpretation of it was contradicting. I feel tt if you control it dan dont have it. now its inching ever closer to giving up the entire thing........will need smthing big to change this mindset.

So beat and so tired. I survived another week at school! played bball with bh, bl,xy,sp,oy,ilham,cs, and kw in the afternoon. they so funny sial. nobody want binli on their team. dan ouyang keep on scolding binli, somemore he keep on saying he want to shoot but when he get the ball he pass it away. superfunny lor. the funniest is tt he msging "lisa". dan i say i want go buy water, dan i slowy sneaked behind him and saw.lol. dan we all pin binli down and take his hp. lol so much of yl sia.....
now very tired. going jogging early tmr with a buddy.....yay!!!somemore dont want meet at mrt. cause me waste so much msgs. lol

Going all bonkers...can things stop? 1stly, i fed up of ppl still joining back the relationship. Its so irritating to hear it. 2ndly, i got sm idiot who comes and disappears into thin air the next day and it would be like weeks b4 the next process starts. It has been going on for god know when and from wad i know so far. ran's a superhuman, he managed to completely watch a special sm1 go away and yet he still could do it.I cant.I probably already sent a msg tt ended everything, regreting... I'm still looking strong on the outside, esp when i tease 3... abt the TGT! but inside, i only have music to comfort me, nobody there. Its just the start of tt journey for me and things feel like a battlefield. I want a break, time to think over everything, time to look at things from a different perspective, time to do some self-reflection, time ask the 'motherly care' for answers. havent seen my mother care for months. hope to be seeing her soon. btw, 28 is still my lucky no. =)

I breaking into million pieces.cant i just get simplicity, its always complicated.bah........too many things to blog down......

Still in the process of forgetting everything from year 08 and moving on to year 09. thx to yl for maing me laugh tdy....my mother? lol, canot spell cane correctly want to act like my mother. + when did u become a badminton pro girl.lol.

Tdy was not a fun day for me. It was a reminder tt I'm in reality. I almost couldnt control my kyuubi inside and i wanted to start punching. Luckily, got ilham to make me laugh and all. The worst part was when 3dots asked me if i was still angry abt an incident. I just could not answer her. It made me remember how much hatred and betrayal I went through. It made me remember the special thing. I fell in love with the character not the face. I will always remember tt.

So lost and in a dilema on what to do, abandon the focus me or go back to the way it was. Clement has gotta find the right decision. Its so crazy these days tt I dont know whats going on practically. Cant seem to find natural happiness but I find focus in studies. thats is actually good but yet bad for the smile is gone. Envy and serious, tts how to describe my mind at the moment. envy for................ serious for............
yet i just cant find the perfect balanced which I had in me last year. perhaps it was the expectations, it was much lower back than. nvm, tmr there will be CA. I will be having fun sniping ppl to cool down myself. The past is gone, and nvr coming back, i have to look towards the future.......

For a change.

Theres going to be smthing i have to address to. I have to change and let go of the past. I feel so uneasy going to sch. Tdy, I managed to scrape through, happy on the outside, crying on the inside. but i manage to control it. if i was still like tt, i probably be unleash the kyuubi again. lol=) I have to let go of the past and move on....its not smthing which i can keep forever. tt .... can nvr last and I have to put studies 1st......i cant afford to get caught up in the same situation no more. i dont blame the other pt, everyone will have a crush on different ppl smtimes and its not ok, wait, i mean its ok. I wish to gorge out my eyes so tt i can nvr see and cut of my ears so i wont hear. life is unfair and i shall learn to accept it. no more missing nobody, no nonscence, no rubbish.


but i like tdy's compo. I acually kinda liked the topic even though i nvr wrote abt myself. It just felt like a fairy tale, i dream end. My dream end which i nvr had.......

Tdy was fun, in fact, tdy was very fun....I was happy all the way. and i just seemed to enjoy the day alot.......after so many boring days. And after pe was fun too.......just wished i could share it....

Since u're fine with it than, alrite. I didnt say I want to go against your mother or wad mah. I just wanted to be treated like a normal friend, before tt I couldnt even do things tt even others could do. All my msgs get deleted frm ur hp, who does tt, and the only other [erson who u delete the msgs is................. whatever. i see the difference anyway. whenu addressed me, you always just smack me dan say WEI! dan since sch open, aiya forget it. You're always coming up with excuses. You dont need me and thus, I'm adapting to it.

I'm tired of sitting and waiting for nothing to happen. I thought tt maybe someday...just someday......................forget it. It sucks, I thought tt maybe you would change for me but it seems like the way things are going....theres no point waiting anymore. I might as well give up my glimmer of hope for waiting. I also know i cant get rid of my jealousy prob and you dont seem to need me anymore so might as well i just stick with them. You always come and go just like tt. One night, its feels so good to msg you and the next, you are totally gone. And most of ur msgs consist of 'dont need to reply anymore'. aiya, theres no point cos you didnt even treat me like a friend even b4 this. nvm, you are still happy and i know you still got many others for you to talk to.

I realise tt i just got used again. I'm sick and tired of lies. full of lies and fakes.Bah, dont feel like going to sch. Its so irritating ..................